When Bruce Willis turned out to be a creepy doctor ghost, and Kevin Spacey revealed he was actually a gimp-free Keyser Söze, we were pleasantly surprised. It made staring at Stephen Baldwin and Haley Joel Osment’s respective moles for 4.5 cumulative hours almost bearable. Take away those unexpected plot twists and what are you left with? Nothing but ninety minutes of eating saturated fat soaked popcorn and a movie more predictable than a Lady Bugs sequel with a Jonathan Brandis lookalike.
Yet when it comes to ruining the surprise, Movie Ending Spoiler is an unstoppable geyser of unsolicited plot information, covering thousands of helpless bystanders in a thick goo of unwarranted information. Ruthless as the Predator, MES stalks office corridors and bathrooms stalls just waiting to expunge a load of knowledge sure to ruin any chance you had at being genuinely shocked when Charlton Heston finds lady liberty sunbathing in Planet of the Apes. What causes this cinematic whistle-blower to suck so badly? Unclear. Maybe his parents read him books backwards. Perhaps he has M. Night Shyamalananaablahblah-induced Tourettes. One thing is for sure, if there’s an astonishing answer, buddy’s spilling the beans.
Here’s a spoiler alert of our own: if Captain Blabber Mouth continues to ruin our favorite Bollywood blockbusters before we can get our hands on the German subtitled versions, we’re gonna plug the leak with a couple of junk shots straight to the well. And this time it’s most likely going to maybe work.
