Picture this. It’s 12:47 pm. You have thirteen minutes to get back from your rub and tug, heat up a pizza pocket and turn your underwear inside out, when you emerge from Octopussy only to find an empty ’87 Vega blocking your limited edition diamond Hummer with no driver in sight and a come stain quickly freezing on your cords. Shit son.
Where’d you go Disappearing Double Parker? Pop-in for a haircut? Quick back wax? Express AA meeting? Because regardless of how thin your spry-stache is, non of those appointments warrants the kind of hazard-light hold up you’re exhibiting outside our favorite topless breakfast buffet. Even Hitler had the decency to parallel park the Bimmer when he stopped in for his morning Sausage McSauerkraut. But no. Not you. You are much to busy and important. Especially since getting promoted to Asshole #3 at the Men’s Warehouse Customer Service desk. Better not be late.
Oh hells no. We are not gonna asphyxiate in our child-locked Buick just because you needed an emergency session with Dr. Psycho. Here’s a better idea: come back down here, climb into your Corolla and let us do the head-shrinking. It’s free and much less emotionally invasive. Could be hard on the organs though, so buckle up for safety.
Had this happen to me last year. I paid some teenagers $20 to steal his car. I was on my way in less than 5 minutes.
Next time this happens to you, undo the lug nuts on their rear wheel and place the nuts in a safe spot like on top of their trunk or hood. Be sure to be nice to them when they return, if they spontaneously apologize & successfully convince you of their need to double-park (like by offering to reimburse you on the spot for your trouble) you may alert them to the lug nut issue, otherwise let them go (you may want to follow at a safe distance for entertainment purposes) and at some point soon after they pull away – certainly after they clear your vehicle – they will learn what it’s like to be momentarily inconvenienced.
Have a nice day!