Sorry all y’all Anne Frank wannabes. Turns out more people want to punch Aborted Fetus Costume in the face this year. You’ll just have to settle for blatant nonviolent disgust and a vexing by the voodoo rabbis. Not too shabby. But, enough about you. Back to the filthy swine flu fuck who shows up to [...]

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Trick or treat suckas. The weather is cooler, the pumpkins are carved and the razor blades are hidden. That’s right interwebbers, it’s our favorite time of year – ironic costume time! But for every Gay Hitler out there, there’s a million Joe the Plumbers. So in the spirit of the season we ask you to [...]

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Imagine this: you’re up in da club, shit’s getting sweaty and the investment banker who dropped a roofie in your drink an hour ago is grinding up against you like a cocker spaniel on a fire hydrant in heat. The DJ throws on some R Kelly and suddenly you start to feel the pre-game mandarin [...]

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Remember when people communicated long distances using only Swiss mountain horns like in that Ricola commercial? You don’t? Well, neither do we. However, some folks are still convinced that the only way to convey their reoccurring salad fork nightmare to their therapist, is to shout it as loud as possible into their mobile phones. As [...]

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A topical round-up of people who’ve deserved it the last month(ish). #1- Balloon Baby Daddy (aka Dick Heenes): Every parent dreams of sending their kid away forever in a giant space balloon, but most of us refrain out of respect for the brave men and woman of the air traffic control coalition. What makes you [...]

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Ever since Eve became the earth’s first star of Girls Gone Wild, people have been slapping the pony. Two million, two hundred and eighty six days latter and you’d think humans would have gotten pretty good at hiding the salami, right? Wrong. And we’ve got breaking news for you Christiane Amanpour: some people haven’t been [...]

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On October 12th, 1492, Chrissy Columbus first docked his sea palace on the shores of this vast Indian paradise after having spent 40 days vomiting opium overboard and sodomizing nice African ladies. Five hundred and seventeen years later, thanks to Hooters Air, we can fly to China, pick up a garbage pail kid, a young bride [...]

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Holy Shitake Mushrooms traffic sucks ass.  Not only does it keep us from getting home in time for Tom Delay’s big number, but it also traps us inside our sea foam Pinto, one fender bender away from being blown out of Henry Ford’s corn hole.  As much as we’d like to be pan seared on [...]

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When Al Gore dreamed up a network of talking computers that could send each other stuff over a bunch of invisible nets, he was most excited for the chance to have a blow up doll delivered directly to his house in under 12 hours without the hassle of making small talk with Bambi behind the [...]

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America is a nation built on the principles of honesty, fairness, and imported Asian goods. When we have sordid affairs with Argentinean nightwalkers we come clean, and when our waiters bring our Applebee’s 2 for $20 combos in under 13 minutes, we leave enough of a tip to cover their mid-shift whippets. But some junkies [...]

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Not since Adam first discovered his right hand has there been a better friend to our flesh snake than the urinal. A porcelain masterpiece that has allowed modern man to raise up his hands, throw caution to the wind and piss without any concern of hitting the rim. This man toilet is the motherfucking Moses [...]

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