Ahh, memories. What’s better than digitally preserving life’s precious moments for years to come? We’ll tell you what: the Pagan gods sending a sad redhead down from heaven to stand in the background and enhance said memories. That’s right people. It’s time we paid homage to “Picture Lurker,” the only person who can cheer us [...]

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People! What the hell has happened to us? We used to be a species that longed for the thrill of exertion, chasing down Wooly Mammoths, swimming long, shark infested channels, and even fleeing entire police brigades in a single white bronco. Now we are nothing more than gelatinous blobs unable to move our fat carbon [...]

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Saturday afternoon in a mall parking lot is enough to make even Stuart Smiley on a bottle of Lexapro off himself. So when some slutty soccer mom in a “Sea Haze” SUV jacks the spot you’ve been eying since the old bat in A6 started pulling out in 1942, shit goes from hot to mess [...]

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Dear Frankenstein, we are afraid you didn’t get the memo. Peace on earth was so 1998; pretending to care about the environment is the new soup de jour. So how about you focus a little less attention on dropping V bombs in every photo and a little more on getting out of grandma’s basement. We know [...]

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“Aww, shmoopy looks tired. Is shmoopy sleepy? Come here and let daddy rub those big, strong footsies.” Unless you’re nailing a newborn puppy, this kind of colloquy is unacceptable. And considering the amount of twats we catch playing mother goose, either bestiality is on the rise or people have some explaining to do. What’s the [...]

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Let us be the first to say, nothing beats a good below the belt scratch.  Those 2-3 seconds of reshuffling the furniture down there is pure bliss. This however does not condone performing your nad-itch like an audition for a Broadway show.   We are talking to you Blatant Ball Scrather, this orchestral parting of ball [...]

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Dear Grocery Store Check Writer, Did you know that debit cards are just checks made out of plastic? Cool, huh? God made them when he realized how fucking annoying it was to stand behind someone while they searched for a pen in their giant pleather purse and then filled out 67 blank fields, only to [...]

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Brainsss, Brainsss, SMS Brainss!! Let’s face it, at one point or another we’ve all been guilty of burying our heads in a cellphone and walking the streets aimlessly. But our beef isn’t with the partially turned, it’s with the full blown, living dead, walking down 5th ave, plowing into little old ladies, Text Message Zombie. [...]

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Nothing ruins a “Sober House” marathon like some sloth with an underbite heaving like a camel in heat right next to you. Dr. Drew talks low enough without us having to strain our ears through your bronchial breath barf. We’re talking to you Heavy Mouth-Breather. Unless you have sleep apnea, are mentally retarded, or happen [...]

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“Yo, I went to this party last night and was totally popping bubbly with Angie and Brad, then I went to this after party hosted by Terry Richardson where I danced on an Eames chair with both Olson twins and Shilo Leboeuf in space!” Ladies and gentleman, introducing Exaggerating Name Dropper, that annoying placenta face [...]

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Arteries, sinuses, toilets. These are god’s gifts to clog, each with its own special consequence for the clogger. Nobody gets hurt but the person who deserves it. Equality and justice for all. But no, these rules don’t apply to Giant Document Printer Clogger, a maniac who topples the principle of personal responsibility with one simultaneous [...]

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Spitting is a universally recognized sign of disrespect. In French Polynesia hacking a loogey on another man’s canoe is said to bring bad luck. In Northern Saskatchewan it means your beaver is fat. And in Upper Bavaria a single speck of phlegm shot in your direction, signals your wife’s lederhosen smell of another man’s sausages. [...]

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Cleavage is a terrible thing to waste. It can be used to get a promotion, demonstrate tectonic shifting, start a fire or as an emergency gun holster. But like a solar eclipse, stare directly at it and you’re likely to go blind. With mace. Averting a pair of giant fun bags is about as easy [...]

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By this point it should be pretty clear we don’t believe much in censorship, anyone who thinks otherwise should mosey their fat asses over to Suggest-A-Punch and take a gander. However, there are some cases when a little bowdlerization is called for. Enter Irresponsible Facebook Photo Poster, the toolbag friend of a friend, who stuffs [...]

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Call it March madness, but lately non-athletic, sports-related panzies have been rubbing us the wrong way. Like today’s victim, a man so bitter about his athletic ineptitude and lack of coordination, he feels the need to torment small, underdeveloped children. Listen up Tyrannical Peewee Coach – we’re sorry you got Detlef Shrempf’s face and Shaq’s [...]

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Much like autoerotic asphyxiation, when it comes to sports metaphors, a little goes a long way. So when Continuous Sports Metaphor Dude starts throwing them out like beads at Mardi Gras, it feels a lot like being trapped under John Madden’s ass crack. It’s not that we have a problem with the occasional sports colloquialism [...]

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There are only two things to look forward to during the work day: lunch, and it not being the work day. So when some latex-clad, salami skimping, jerkstore screws with one of these little pleasures, shit gets serious. Seriously, Sloppy Sandwich Maker? You’re gonna squirt all the mayo on the right side of the ciabatta [...]

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Before we get started, all you Nice IT Guys out there need not worry, this beef ain’t with you.  The way you calmly unfreeze our Commodore 64, get us back on Gawker and remedy a keyboard covered in coffee – it’s magical.  This quarrel is with your condescending doppelganger, Asshole IT Guy. The son-of-a-bitch who [...]

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Group showers are kind of like losing your virginity:  uncomfortable, self-conscious, and hard to find the soap. But at least when you pop your cherry, there isn’t a lathered stranger standing in the corner watching. Unless there is, in which case you might want to talk to someone about that. Communal Shower Gawker lurks in [...]

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