Hmm. Lovely day for a stroll, isn’t it Slow Walker Sidewalk Blocker? Maybe a little meandering in the park? A leisurely promenade by the river? A jaunt in the middle of a crowded street, where people actually have shit to do and are forced to suffer as you take in the sights at the pace of a newborn deer?
Everybody hates you.
You clog our sidewalks and subway platforms. You make us late and irritable. You ruin the morning before the day even starts. And one of these days, you’re going to get punched in the face. And it’s nobody’s fault but your own.
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Jula, we don’t mean people who can’t really walk faster….that woud be just plain mean and would put us in the punching material category in a heartbeat.We do mean absent minded,clueless,effing self-indulgent and selfish people who dont give a damn about other pedestrians.These people DO deserve it good!Cheers-:)
This makes me feel bad b/c my mom is partially disabled and walks soooo slowly. :/ I mean seriously wtf do you expect people like that to do? They’re going as fast as they possibly can.
I hate the people that walk just slow enough to piss you off but just too fast to be able to pass them without it being awkward. Bastards.
OMFG! I loathe this person! I’m all of 5′9′ most of which is comprised of my legs, so I take looooong strides. But this bastard has to meander over, manage to get in front of me and kill my walking groove. I hope you DIAF, you sidewalk blocking slow walker, you. That is all…good day.
People who don’t understand that bike paths are for bikes. They hear you coming and look over their shoulder, which for some reason causes them to walk right in front of you. Also, if you want to skateboard fine, but if you fall off trying a trick, and I crank you because of it, YOUR FAULT.
BOY, is this universal. The story of my life here in Rio, Brazil. My case is the same as ALL above, but there is one that has not been mentioned yet: Guy About To Ram Into You Head-On, like the motorbike vs. the truck in the first Mad Max. What do I do? If Guy is larger than me, or evil-looking (the sort that might pull a gun if tampered with), I let Guy pass. If it is an elder, a pregnant woman or a child, I let Guy pass. But, if it is someone between 16 and, say, 60, I count on inertia. I figure out: Newton’s Third Law says that the impact is going to be exactly the same for both of us, but I am heavier, aware and willing, whereas they are believing that **I** am giving way, not them. Well, are they in for a surprise — and neither side is actually wrong, are we? Neither budged. With my inertia, I barely feel it, while — I swear — once there was this teen who was actually spun round by the blow. Awesome.
Also:
Person who stops at the top of an escalator and looks around the store to find a particular section. We’re coming up right behind you, moron!
Person who walks slightly slowly but in diagonal, side-to-side fashion. I’ll pass on the right…no, on the left, no…right….arrgh!
Old lady on bike in Japan who stares at me (a caucasian) like I’m an alien and doesn’t realize she’s now riding straight into me. Oops, crash, pain.
The slow walkers are a pain in the ass, but there is a much more sinister subspecies, especially in Queens. The slow walker that cannot walk in a straight fucking line so you can walk around them. They waddle from one side of the sidewalk to another thwarting at least your first two attempts to pass them. They are so frustrating, that they will make an otherwise sane man seriously consider punching an old lady in the back of the head.
I’ve seen that many of you have encountered my arch nemesis at the mall but you’ve left a couple of people out:
The people who leave their carts sideways in the middle of the aisle while they go squeeze the shit out of a few tomatos and the ones who push their overflowing cart against the obvious flow of traffic, forcing everyone to dodge.
These are simply inconsiderate people. The ones who think they aren’t really in the way, yet won’t hesitate to give you the evil eye when you block their wrong-way travels.
I can be an asshole when I want to be, and in these situations I usually take the low road as that makes life more fun.
For the cart-abandoners, I take their cart and move it two or three aisles away, as long as they’re not looking (they’re typically too occupied by the best-before date on the milk waaaay in the back). The level of enjoyment is usually increased by the number of children in the cart.
For the aisle-blockers I like to remain static in the aisle in their direct path as I peruse the discount DVD’s, or games, or dish towels or whatever happens to be nearby. In fact if it’s something completely inappropriate for me to be looking at it makes it that much more fun. “Look, ‘Extra-absorbent Depends’ are on sale!”. The options they have are to excuse themselves politely, which could actually work, squeeze around me unannounced, which isn’t that easy if I’m particularly interested in the two-for-one special on Rogers and Hammerstein discs, or to shift to the other side (aka the RIGHT SIDE) of the aisle.
I don’t punch – I frustrate and annoy them back waaay worse than they can frustrate or annoy me.
I can deal with the slow walkers when they are old and thus have an excuse for being slow, and/or let me pass if I say excuse me. But the young ones who think they own the mall piss me off. I am not that old, I was a mallrat in the heyday of mallratdom, but when I was at the mall between stores I was moving, because I wanted to be in the stores, arcade or food court, not strolling along at romantic stroll on the beach pace and I wasn’t pushing a baby carriage before I was old enough to drive a car. These little brats will walk 7 or 8 abreast, couple of them pushing baby carriages, couple having totally inane conversations on their cell phones and all completely ignoring the fact that other people are at the mall too (unless they encounter another friend, then they will stop and be a non-moving roadblock.
I encountered a group of these at a mall once, literally taking up the entire 14 ft. walkway, nearly got in a fight with them. After following them for over 5 minutes and not getting a chance to squeeze by, I said “excuse me”, loud enough that they had to have heard me, but not loud enough to sound like a bitch and they totally ignored me. So I said it again, louder and in a more insistent tone and one of them turned around and gave me a dirty look. So I said, “I’d like to get by” and she tried to start shit with me. Enough of her friends had shifted position for someone to fit through and the people I was with pushed me by to prevent me from getting into it with her (not that I would hit a minor or throw the first punch).
Don’t forget the idiots who step out of a shop straight into your path, stop, and then look around trying to figure out where they’ll go next. I’m a rather large gent so I pretend I have bad brakes and just ram into them. I rarely lose. I’ve rendered several strollers inoperable too.
Would it be too much to ask that everybody walk on whichever side of the sidewalk equates to whichever side of the road people drive on in your country. If you drive on the right, walk down shopping centre aisles, walkways in malls, footpaths, e.t.c. on the right. It’s sensible. It’s efficient. It’s courteous. Therefore it’s not likely to ever happen.
Tell you who I hate even worse than slow walker guy? Owns-the-sidewalk guy. You know the type, his business is so fucking important that he can’t waste a few seconds of his oh-so-vital existence walking behind someone at less than a flat-out pace. I detest that guy – don’t you?
I hate in-the-way people! I find this happens every time I step into a Walmart.
Avoid the theater district of any major city. In my town, it’s always senior citizens day at the theater and none of them can move past 5 ft from the main entrance.
Grandma:”Wheerrre’s Billyyy?”
Bitch, get the fuck outta my way! Use some common sense and call Billy from inside or hug the wall I’m in a fucking HURRY!
Or the fucking idiot suburban-weekend-tourists to “the BIG city”, who miraculously take the EL but once on the platform, converge at the entrance like it’s the safest place on earth! WTF?! MOVE ASSHOLE!
i found myself behind a group of these a-holes several times at the mall. i eventually gave up all sanity and screamed “GOD DAMNED RIGOR MORTIS!!!! MOVE IT YA FUCKING CORPSE!!!” you ever surprise one of these people, its like watching fireworks in slow mow. they’ll move, it just takes them half an hour to turn to see who yelled at them.
Even worse: a group of sidewalk blockers walking 5 abreast…on the bike path. Grrr. A fist travels faster on a ten-speed, yo.
I HATE SWSB’s!
I don’t hate slow walkers. They’re easy to walk around. I hate MEDIUM WALKERS. You try to pass them, and you can’t. It’s like traffic on the highway.